I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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