He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I party with great urgency now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
