And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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