I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
