he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Randomize
