I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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