I wish my penis had an off switch
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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