I can text with my tongue
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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