Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
