Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
