Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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