Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I faked an abortion last night.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
