some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
