I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
