gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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