Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
please don't ironically join a cult
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