Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
