WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
