i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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