The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
