my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
