I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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