the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
