I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
