a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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