How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
