According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
