I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
