no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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