I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
