K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
