I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
