you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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