i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
