I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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