I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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