The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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