First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
