I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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