i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
