My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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