i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
