my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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