Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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