too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
