So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
