Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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