I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
