If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
