i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
