Im at strip club and am horny
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
