Your face is a jimmy john
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
